all these thoughs and insecurities

man..i hate myself for putting the blame on others.

i just went to run again..yeah..to not be such a fatass i have to run my ass off..literally ma.right? hahaha..yepp..today i ran exceptionally long.but distance wasn't my goal, time was.i aimed to run for about 25 mins..i did 28..could have ran 30 mins luh..but i wasnt really in the mood to push myself to the limit limit limit.haha..

anyway..i realised something about running..when you're running alone, without music blasting in your ears, you really get the time to think about life..i wasnt running competitively, and it gave me time to think along the way..while running.i just kept thinking, thinking about how i've treated my life and how stubborn and petty i was..

when i have a goal, i always work so damn hard towards it, i dont give a shit about anything else..but once that goal is reached, or i dont think its worth it anymore, i'll just drop it like hot coal..i wont even like struggle to keep it going until i've given it my all..maybe thats why i never know how far i can go.i've been too lenient on myself, always letting myself quit before i really should.but the thing is, im really confused..when is the time to give up? because if you persist in pursuing something that you'll never get, its a waste of time..

there's always many ways to argue that la, some ppl will say stuff like "if you never put in your best and have patience to wait, how do you know you wont succeed?" thing is, we cant keep on waiting right?

after reading about determinism and predestination, i dont really want to believe in any of these...i hate it when ppl tell me that my fate is sealed, nothing i do will make a difference because it was meant to be..because of the cause and effect relationship, things just happen and you cant do anything about it..i hate it.because i always believed that we had to work hard in order to get what we want..it totally goes against my beliefs...and yet....it seems like the concept of determinism is such an unbreachable fortress..because of "this", "that" will happen..you cant prevent it.

i want to make things happen..im not afraid to own up to my mistakes, im willing to learn from others..this is the positive mindset i should have..i must psycho myself =)

i think i'll blog everyday during prelims, just to waste some time off studies..

we are this close to A lvls, less than 2 months..

oh yeah..if you're reading this, most probably you'd know alot about my life..i dont keep my own life much of a secret to my friends..maybe thats bad..but anw..i just realised that..nothing really matters alot lehh

last year i met so many problems, i thought they were like really....ya know, major problems in one's life lehh.hahah.like teenage crisis..now i think about it clearly.i cant blame anyone for what happened..i cant say anyone wasted my time..because the truth is, i was the one who was willing to wait.you dont blame anyone for that do you? you cant blame ppl for making you wait because you must willing to wait in the first place..hahah.i finally saw it in a different light today.i mean, the thought occurred to me before, of course it did, but it just didnt seem right at that point in time what, when you think you're the one who's right and everyone else seems to be having something against you or trying to make your life a mess..

now i see..yepp.no grudges man..some things are just not meant to be...i tried, i fought..maybe i didnt fight hard enough, maybe it didnt matter if i fought at all.hahaha.but i cant say anyone wasted my time, i cant say i wasted my time actually.

i learnt alot from last year alone.really..its not quantifiable actually..but its just..alot.haha

chem paper 3 tmr..have fun =)

goodbye

Dedicated to the number 14